Tyler Vazquez

Mountain Dew commercial idea

A tractor trailer sits on a barge docked at a wharf.

The docks and asphalt are slick with rain. It’s still coming down. Not hard, but enough and the dirty streetlamps glare off the oil black ground, staring at the moon floating coyly behind a wisp of cloud.

A rat skitters out from under a piece of driftwood and heads toward the barge, it’s matted fur pushing through a slim crack in the trailer. It hooks its claws around a plastic rung of the first Mountain Dew six pack in a tower of dozens. He climbs diligently.

At the top, his feet click across the aluminum. Scratching across the tabs. Running. He pauses.

His already dead eyes go blank. His body and legs tense. He begins to urinate.  The urine pools in the top of a can of Mountain Dew, first circling around the edges like a tarnished wedding band that’s been sitting in a dresser drawer for decades.

He finishes and runs off once more. Down the metallic stack and toward the hole where the moon and lamp light creeps through. He runs back toward the driftwood.

There’s a new light now. Two of them. Bouncing, lumbering twin lights. They belong to a fork lift.  It crushes his hind legs and the lower half of his spine. His small body is sturdy. It could deftly leap and run. It could withstand exposure, evade predators. It was now dying.

He dies with a shudder running through him like a stevedore shudders after pissing into an ice-filled trough at a dive bar. 

A fly lands on the still open eye of a dead rat. The fly has been long thirsty and so he drinks. 

The way a child with a speech impediment sounds when putting his voice through the back of an oscillating fan, its voice reverberating: that’s how the fly sounds now as he looks up at you and speaks.

“Do the dew.”

Cool TV Show Idea:

     “Hi, I’m Marvin. I was just your average ninth grader. Dealing with zits and homework, girls and bullies, hoping I’d make the JV soccer team and, of course, parents!! Then, one day, I was on a field trip with my class to the Natural History Museum when I wandered down a forbidden hallway to the closed mummy exhibit. Something weird happened that day.  An ancient curse caused me to switch dicks with the old-ass mummy! I’m still your average 14 year old kid learning the ropes of high school life, but now I have a 4,000 year old mummy dick where my dick used to be, and my adolescent boy dick is attached to a mummy at the museum! Life is weird!”

Episode 1: Marvin gets bullied at school when some older kids catch him kissing a yearbook picture of his crush, Stacey. They call him a queer and push him against the locker and later he comes home crying.  His mom decides to cheer him up by bringing him with her to Talbot’s to help pick out her outfit for an upcoming work function!

Episode 2: Marvin decides to ride his bike down to the fishing hole. He wants to catch a big bass to impress his crush, Stacey.  All of the sudden, the brakes go out on his bike and he crashes into the pond, getting soaked in scum water. The weird guy down the street, Weird Dave, laughs at him.  Dejected, Marvin walks his bike home.  His mom runs him a  bath and says that when he gets clean, they’ll go to Talbot’s and he can choose an new ensemble for her to wear to the PTA meeting this Thursday.

Episode 3: Marvin’s gay dad gets kicked out of the army for coming out. (It’s a period show, taking place in 2009 before DADT was repealed.) Marvin’s dad starts drinking a lot and hits him a couple times.  He gets into treatment and decides to make it up to Marvin by taking him to Talbot’s to get his mom a new get-up as an apology for hitting her a bunch too. 

If you are a powerful network exec reading this, please buy this idea for a show. I will sell it really cheap.

Also, shop at Talbot’s!!!!!

TALBOTS

(TALBOT’S and I already worked out a deal where they get exclusive advertising rights.)