Tyler Vazquez

Egregious Anachronism in 1994 Spider-man Television Series

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 00:34:00 -0500

Dear John Semper,

Lately I’ve been re-watching Spider-man: The Animated Series (1994) for the first time since I was an impressionable little boy. I know that because you were in charge of a cartoon targeted toward children, it was expected that you take certain liberties with the truth. That’s why I turn a blind eye when Spider-man makes a timely commute via web-slinging from his home in Queens to a crime taking place in Manhattan, a feat that would probably take 30 minutes regardless of Spider-man’s enhanced speed strength and agility. And when Spidey shoots his web offscreen to pull himself out of a perilous situation even though no tall buildings are present, I don’t bat an eye.

But, sir, there is one inconsistency I won’t tolerate, and that is your apparently flippant regard for the law.

A feature unique to the 1994 adaptation was that J. Jonah Jameson was editor-in-cheif of the Bugle while also owning and operating J3 Communications, a local television station.

Let me give you a little history lesson: “Beginning in 1975, FCC rules banned cross-ownership by a single entity of a daily newspaper and television or radio broadcast station operating in the same local ‘market,’” according to documentation on the Federal Communications Commission’s website.

This ban was not lifted until the Telecommunications Act of 1996 was passed, a law that “let any communications business compete in any market against any other.”

While it can be argued that as editor-in-chief, Jameson can own a media company separate from the Bugle without breaking the law. But the absence of an owner/publisher aside from Jameson paired with Jameson’s heavy community and business involvement (such as his being a stockholder of Oscorp) implies that his position at the Bugle is not merely editorial but also executive.

When little children watch this show they might see Jameson as hardbitten or arrogant, but he’s always one of the good guys in his own way. Finding out that he wasn’t in compliance with FCC regulations for the first 3 seasons of the show probably disillusioned many youngsters and irreversibly sent them down dark paths.

I think the proper penance for these transgressions would be to calculate the FCC fines that Jameson would have been given and pay them to me.

Sincerely,

Tyler Vazquez

Daniel Desario

Sun, 23 Dec 2012 15:45:52 -0500

Daniel Desario

Dear Congress, When tragedies like the one in Connecticut occur, it can feel ugly and wrong to make...

Sat, 15 Dec 2012 22:25:00 -0500

Dear Congress,

When tragedies like the one in Connecticut occur, it can feel ugly and wrong to make it a political issue. It feels disrespectful to use it as leverage to garner votes on a bill, or in favor of a certain candidate, or to help a particular lobby. All of those things are ripe with dirty connotations that most regular people including myself would like to avoid, especially during a time of grief.

The problem we face with acts of gun violence like the one that occurred on Friday is that the necessary steps that we as a country need to take to prevent another tragedy like this from happening might be best achieved politically. While I do believe in the Second Amendment and that guns have their place in American culture, I also believe that our current interpretation of the right to bear arms is limiting our ability to enjoy the freedoms established by the rest of the Constitution.

I don’t think it’s the government’s job to micromanage the way people live. I just think it is the governments job to create an environment where people can go to the movies, or to church, or to school without having to worry about being killed.

I know that there will always be people who seek to do harm to others and no amount of reform or action can deter every senseless commission of violence. I don’t think that confiscating everybody’s guns is the right answer either. I do think it’s your job as a representative of the American people to do what it is you do best: form committees and subcommittees, hold hearings and figure out how to tailor gun legislation in a way that reasonably balances Second Amendment rights with every other right we enjoy as Americans.

Some will argue that the best way to deter violent criminals is for everyone to carry a gun. Even if this were true, which I don’t believe it is, I don’t want to have to carry a gun to be safe. I just want to be safe.

I hope you’ll take what I’ve said into consideration.

Thank you,

Tyler Vazquez

just stay out of my way if this song comes on in the club

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 10:06:15 -0400

just stay out of my way if this song comes on in the club

I support Barack Obama for president.

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 00:05:00 -0400

I understand the argument for Mitt Romney. He understands business. He’s a smart guy. The theory is that if he gets elected, he will be able to run a government that’s more favorable toward businesses, thus more favorable to private sector job creation.

I don’t think he’s a bigot or a misogynist who wants to disenfranchise women or gay people. Most people who are pro-life take their position from the idea that human life is sacred and should be protected at any stage, not because they believe that women shouldn’t be responsible for their own health decisions. The problem is that the former way of thinking serves as a breeding ground for the latter. Regardless of his flipping, Mitt Romney has run an ardently pro-life campaign and would act accordingly in office. So when the supreme court justices who are coming up on retirement need to be replaced, he would nominate pro-life successors. A woman’s ability to effectively plan a family is her greatest weapon against preventing the kind of cyclical poverty that trickles down through generations. Nobody likes abortions, and of course adoption is a beautiful and wonderful thing. But if at-risk women are forced to have children they can’t afford to raise (or God forgive, illegally terminate the pregnancy), entitlement spending will grow and those at-risk children will be more likely to have unplanned children of their own. I love this story about Melinda Gates’ work on the issue overseas. Pro-life advocates would be better off pushing for better sex education. Pretending that abortion is a social issue and not an economic one is short-sighted to say the least. And what will the consequences be for a 16 year old who gets an abortion if SCOTUS overrules Roe v Wade be? What about an adult? It won’t be cheap for law enforcement, courts and correctional facilities to accommodate a new crime.

A lot of Romney’s endorsements cite his bipartisan work in Massachusetts as an example of his willingness to reach across the aisle and secure effective compromise. He and this guy, Dr. Robert Moffit, who works at THE HERITAGE FOUNDATION - a CONSERVATIVE think tank, crafted the health law there. Even though Romney has since flip-flopped on his claim that his plan could serve as a model for the nation, I do respect what he says about every state being able to craft a specific plan for their needs. No, the Affordable Care Act isn’t perfect but the way the health insurance industry currently works in this country is inherently corrupt (which is a whole separate conversation) and the bill provides much needed reforms to keep these corporations in check. Romney has said he wants to keep one of the more popular aspects of the law, covering patients with pre-existing conditions. The law is trickier than that, and cherry picking the pre-existing conditions part of it might result in higher costs to everyone.
Also, we’re one of the only developed nations without universal healthcare. Also, ACA is uniquely American, relying on the private sector instead of socialized medicine. Also, when people can’t afford primary care, they still go to the ER when the problem becomes intolerable, they leave their ER bills unpaid, a cost that gets passed on to insured patients. Less unpaid medical bills means lower insurance costs for everyone. Pretty simple. The law needs some work. It’s a fixer-upper. But the long term effects of it will be as much a boon to the economy and middle class savings as anything.

One of the weirdest things about Mitt Romney’s stint in Mass. was that he didn’t run for a second term. Low approval ratings. Lack of republican support. Wanting to be president really, really bad. This isn’t really a policy reason, but the guy just seems like he wants to be president just for the sake of being president. I don’t trust his motives or his character on this.

There’s no doubt that voters need to emphasize fiscal responsibility as the debt rises and endangers our future and adds uncertainty to our economic climate, however steadily it currently chugs along. Obama should have done more with the findings of the Simpson-Bowles commission. Paul Ryan shouldn’t have voted against it. John Boehner is equally culpable. The theory among republicans - the one I assume they have in mind when they do things like sign a pledge to lobbyist Grover Norquist to never raise taxes, ever (“Only a Sith deals in absolutes”) - is that increasing taxes on the very wealthy takes that money out of the economy, thereby slowing the recovery. Sounds understandable. Except that the stock market is doing quite well and the richest of the rich are as rich as ever. If these guys wanted to create jobs, they could. Maybe they’re just uncertain about the deficit that they could help reduce by paying a little bit more in taxes. After all, the Bush tax cuts were intended to end at the end of the year anyway. Romney is extraordinarily vague about how he will reduce rates by 20% across the board, reduce the deficit and keep the economy going. I could post a bunch of links, but google “fiscal cliff” and make up your own mind about the complicated ramifications of going off of it or not. Regardless, congress and the president will be forced to make some serious decisions about taxes and entitlement reform. Obama is closer to the center on this issue, acknowledging that spending needs to be cut but taxes increased at least a little on those who can afford it. Romney stands pretty far to the right, with only the unclear offer of closing unspecified tax loopholes.

Foreign policy is the area where Obama’s effectiveness as a communicator will be most needed. Romney is very good friends with Netanyahu, who has been openly campaigning for him and seems to be chomping at the bit for military action against Iran. Regardless of your feelings about Israel and their occupation of Palestine, we haven’t dropped our support for them, not in the least.

I support Barack Obama for president, but not without conditions.

- He needs to sit down with congressional republicans and build better relationships with them.

- He needs to end his war on whistleblowers like Bradley Manning and Julian Assange.

- He needs to end the drone program, if only for the dangerous precedents it’s setting.

- He needs to come up with a very specific tax model that will raise revenues without taking too much out of economy. What about something like raising taxes on high earners but lowering it on capital gains to spur investment in American companies?

- He needs to be vigilant in addressing unsustainable entitlement spending. These programs and bureaucracies can and should be streamlined. An emphasis on charitable giving by individuals should be made and examples set by all politicians to make up for shortcomings that will no doubt be left by spending cuts. Social programs should be designed to help people get out of poverty, not help them stay in it. Cutting Pell grants like Paul Ryan wants to do will make social mobility that much harder for those who want better lives.

- End the criminalization of individual drug use.

I’m going to vote for Barack Obama because he is the presidential candidate whose policies are closer to the center. He is far from perfect and he needs to be watched and pressured heavily by the American public to make the right choices for our future. His stimulus bill saved us from a second Great Depression. Saving General Motors kept even more Americans from becoming unemployed during a time when credit markets were frozen and traditional bankruptcy wasn’t an option. Getting us out of Iraq and setting a timetable for Afghanistan helped America focus on the real post 9/11 issue of finding Osama Bin Laden. Passing the Affordable Care Act which will put health insurance in reach of 30 million Americans. Mitt Romney is a fine businessman who loves his family and his country. Although I believe he is at heart a moderate, I believe that Romney’s promises were too right of center to be good for America at a point when we desperately need reason to prevail over ideology to continue being the greatest nation there is.

Mostly I hope Obama appoints reasonable SCOTUS justices who will overturn Citizens United and reforming campaign finance rules, keeping us from ever having to live through another election cycle as awful as this one.

Rack City is a real place.

Sun, 28 Oct 2012 14:59:03 -0400

Rack City is a real place.

Star Jones Out Sick

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 12:44:50 -0400

Imagine that Star Jones is sick, injured or too fucked up beyond belief to fulfill her duties at the hit daytime talk showThe View.What the fuck are Barbara Walters and those other ladies supposed to do? Here are some options:

Due to the controversy surrounding the supreme court ruling on Star Jones’ anal bruising case, today we have a very special fill-in. Please welcome this glass container filled with rocks, Mrs. Jar Stones.

Sadly, Star Jones got her anus caught in an escalator at the two story JC Penney’s at the Florida Mall. Give a big hand to renowned pastry chef Star Scones who’s here to talk about women’s reproductive health.

Star Jones couldn’t make it because of fucked up anal circumstances but in her place we have the get-rich-quick guru responsible for the financial bailouts of emperors across the globe. Let’s give our attention the Mr. Czar Loans.

Star Jones got a very fucked up bacterial infection in her belly button piercing so we have her cousin from a very distant land, Far Jones on the show today to tell us about coupon clipping.

Star Jones accidentally puked acid all over her husband Derek and has to take him to the walk-in clinic, so we have these ancient dinosaur fossils named La Brea Tar Jones here to give us some great make up tips.

Star Jones recently underwent surgery to have her skin color darkened, but in her place we have a very tough, bad-ass MMA fighter named Spar Jones.

Star Jones was too sick to come to work today because of a bunch of shitty diarrhea that’s been coming out of her anus, but this very spooky, very horrible living and talking skeleton named Star Bones has rattled its way into our studio in her stead.

(written by me and Christian Lopetz aka @guysnspace)

Audio

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 23:58:29 -0400

hey guys

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 23:58:48 -0400

hey guys

In seventh grade I was the shortest kid in my class and just brown enough and with too many Zs in my...

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 14:39:27 -0400

In seventh grade I was the shortest kid in my class and just brown enough and with too many Zs in my last name that the rednecks in my gym class decided that I was a dirty Mexican spic who needed frequent reminders of this and ample shoving to correct the mistake of my ethnicity. I tried telling them that I was Puerto Rican, but they were about a foot taller than me and probably couldn’t hear me from up there, but more likely just didn’t care.

I had a good friend at the time, a chubby Indian-American kid who, alongside me, pit up with the albeit mild but frequent bullying over our respective races and sizes. One day we were out on the field. I don’t remember the specifics about what the rednecks were saying to my friend, but I have a vivid technicolor memory of something in my heart breaking, causing some sort of unconscious chain reaction where my scrawny hairless legs broke into a sprint at this 13 year old white kid who typically wore camo and was twice my weight in his pubescent surplus of body hair and burgeoning testosterone. I was a .22 hitting rhino skin. I had tears in my eyes and the clean idealistic rage of a child throbbing in my chest and stomach.

The redneck kid walked back to the game. My friend reassured me. The coach saw what had happened. He put his hand briefly on my shoulder and gave me a half-hearted “You’re alright” from the boys-will-be-boys mentality shared by the square jawed men who typically take to teaching PE.

When I was 16, there were a couple of “cool” guys my age who made remarks about the Indian women we worked with being terrorists. I was thinking about that this morning when I was outside playing with my little boy. I thought about how I didn’t say anything at all, let alone clench my teeth and sprint head first at the bastards.

Then I came inside and read about the shooting at a Sikh temple this morning in Wisconsin. it may sound narcissistic but I felt indirectly responsible. We can’t let ourselves go blind with anger like twelve year old little boys. We also can’t let ourselves be too self-conscious that we tacitly allow racism to endure in our presence.

I don’t know how to fix things. Not even close. I’m going to start by doing my best to be understanding of the people I share the world with and by countering racism with an optimistic heart.

Mountain Dew commercial idea

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 00:36:01 -0400

A tractor trailer sits on a barge docked at a wharf.

The docks and asphalt are slick with rain. It’s still coming down. Not hard, but enough and the dirty streetlamps glare off the oil black ground, staring at the moon floating coyly behind a wisp of cloud.

A rat skitters out from under a piece of driftwood and heads toward the barge, it’s matted fur pushing through a slim crack in the trailer. It hooks its claws around a plastic rung of the first Mountain Dew six pack in a tower of dozens. He climbs diligently.

At the top, his feet click across the aluminum. Scratching across the tabs. Running. He pauses.

His already dead eyes go blank. His body and legs tense. He begins to urinate. The urine pools in the top of a can of Mountain Dew, first circling around the edges like a tarnished wedding band that’s been sitting in a dresser drawer for decades.

He finishes and runs off once more. Down the metallic stack and toward the hole where the moon and lamp light creeps through. He runs back toward the driftwood.

There’s a new light now. Two of them. Bouncing, lumbering twin lights. They belong to a fork lift. It crushes his hind legs and the lower half of his spine. His small body is sturdy. It could deftly leap and run. It could withstand exposure, evade predators. It was now dying.

He dies with a shudder running through him like a stevedore shudders after pissing into an ice-filled trough at a dive bar.

A fly lands on the still open eye of a dead rat. The fly has been long thirsty and so he drinks.

The way a child with a speech impediment sounds when putting his voice through the back of an oscillating fan, its voice reverberating: that’s how the fly sounds now as he looks up at you and speaks.

“Do the dew.”

Jesus God of Heaven and earth, this album is fantastic.

Sun, 22 Jul 2012 23:30:01 -0400

Jesus God of Heaven and earth, this album is fantastic.

Cool TV Show Idea:

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 00:57:00 -0400

“Hi, I’m Marvin. I was just your average ninth grader. Dealing with zits and homework, girls and bullies, hoping I’d make the JV soccer team and, of course, parents!! Then, one day, I was on a field trip with my class to the Natural History Museum when I wandered down a forbidden hallway to the closed mummy exhibit. Something weird happened that day. An ancient curse caused me to switch dicks with the old-ass mummy! I’m still your average 14 year old kid learning the ropes of high school life, but now I have a 4,000 year old mummy dick where my dick used to be, and my adolescent boy dick is attached to a mummy at the museum! Life is weird!”

Episode 1: Marvin gets bullied at school when some older kids catch him kissing a yearbook picture of his crush, Stacey. They call him a queer and push him against the locker and later he comes home crying. His mom decides to cheer him up by bringing him with her to Talbot’s to help pick out her outfit for an upcoming work function!

Episode 2: Marvin decides to ride his bike down to the fishing hole. He wants to catch a big bass to impress his crush, Stacey. All of the sudden, the brakes go out on his bike and he crashes into the pond, getting soaked in scum water. The weird guy down the street, Weird Dave, laughs at him. Dejected, Marvin walks his bike home. His mom runs him a bath and says that when he gets clean, they’ll go to Talbot’s and he can choose an new ensemble for her to wear to the PTA meeting this Thursday.

Episode 3: Marvin’s gay dad gets kicked out of the army for coming out. (It’s a period show, taking place in 2009 before DADT was repealed.) Marvin’s dad starts drinking a lot and hits him a couple times. He gets into treatment and decides to make it up to Marvin by taking him to Talbot’s to get his mom a new get-up as an apology for hitting her a bunch too.

If you are a powerful network exec reading this, please buy this idea for a show. I will sell it really cheap.

Also, shop at Talbot’s!!!!!

TALBOTS

(TALBOT’S and I already worked out a deal where they get exclusive advertising rights.)

Melodic. Aggressive. Chaotic. Frantic. Controlled. Layered....

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 00:24:59 -0400

Melodic. Aggressive. Chaotic. Frantic. Controlled. Layered. Heavy. Light. Angry. Perverted. Perfect.

Stan and Jan Berenstain’s adult literature was often...

Sun, 20 May 2012 11:16:42 -0400

Stan and Jan Berenstain’s adult literature was often under-appreciated. (Taken with instagram)

I’m posting this so you’ll tell me you think...

Sat, 12 May 2012 21:42:54 -0400

I’m posting this so you’ll tell me you think I’m pretty.

Found a pack of my baby girl Brenda’s favorites in the...

Sat, 05 May 2012 16:05:42 -0400

Found a pack of my baby girl Brenda’s favorites in the parking lot. Still half full. (Taken with instagram)

I hope this is only indicative of the kind of idiots who vote in...

Tue, 01 May 2012 12:03:42 -0400

I hope this is only indicative of the kind of idiots who vote in Channel 13 polls and not of Brevard county’s actual citizens. (Taken with instagram)

Aka The Virgin-mobile (Taken with instagram)

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 15:05:15 -0400

Aka The Virgin-mobile (Taken with instagram)

I wrote this email to Rascal Flatts about an anachronism in one...

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 11:41:44 -0400

I wrote this email to Rascal Flatts about an anachronism in one of their songs